Saturday, 21 May 2016

Drives & Ambitions

I was two years old when I played my first video game. It was Spyro the Dragon on the original PlayStation after watching my dad play it for the entirety of the time I was a toddler. I spent the next year playing games my dad owned on the PlayStation 2, and by the time I was four years old I knew what I wanted to do: I wanted to make a game. I didn't know how you'd do this, that they were made by teams of people, and that I wasn't very good at the skills you need to create one. I just knew that I wanted to make a game that was fun.

When I was ten years old, I found out about Minecraft. I found out that Minecraft was made by one guy. I found out you could make a game by yourself. I was painfully optimistic that one day, I'd be making my own games. I started learning how you'd do this, and I began to learn Java a year later. I took my time with it: "I have all the time in the world", I'd told myself. I wasn't learning very much; I'd been spending time with friends - visiting their houses every night, going out to the shopping centre with them, and I was totally invested in this one friend who took up all the other time I had. I eventually forgot everything I'd learned about Java, and refused to pick it back up.

I stopped going to my friend's houses every night, I stopped going to the shopping centre with them, and I cut off contact with the friend I'd been invested in because we were both toxic to eachother. I found new friends, and only a few of them went outside after school - there were three of them, and they didn't ever invite anybody else. I wasn't one of them. I had all the free time in the world at this point. I kept putting off learning a tool of the trade I wanted to go in to. I wanted to wait until I got to choose GCSE computer science - which ended up not happening, much to my devastation. Over the next six weeks, I had the perfect opportunity to go learn a tool of the trade, and I didn't - I kept postponing it, and I did it the next summer too. I don't regret it, because it lead onto the events of the next paragraph.

In February of this year, I met somebody who made me feel like I had the ambition and drive to do anything - something I haven't felt since all those years ago, before I started hanging out with my then-friends (most of which are now my friends again because they befriended my 'new' ones). The only reason why I started doing revision is because this person did it a lot and I wanted to fill up my time not talking to them with something. I did a minimal amount throughout March, and picked it up more in April. I was bursting with energy for what is probably the first time in years. I was high on life. "I'm going to go set out to do what I've wanted to do for the past twelve years, when my GCSEs are over", I was telling myself. They made me realise I hate the United Kingdom and wanted to move, and they made me know exactly where.

Then, on the 23rd of last month, they hit me with this bombshell: 'I don't want to talk any more'. They went into the reasons why they didn't want to any more, and I can perfectly understand them, but I went into a slump. I lost my focus. I stopped revising, I stopped doing anything except browsing Reddit after school. They were, at that point, my best friend and the only person I could say with finality actually liked me. And now they were gone - just like my drive to do well in my exams, to revise, the energy I had after school and the laughs I'd had on the bus home messaging them.

I have felt like this for this past month now. My sixteenth was considerably less enjoyable than any birthday I've had previously. During my exams I still have that drive to do well, but my thoughts are interrupted by "how can I get that person back?". Over the past week, there's been a sign there might be light at the end of the tunnel for that question, but it's nothing considerable and I have no idea how I can act on getting them back at the moment. It's not a thing my exams can work me towards, either. I realised today, I need a new reason to do well. I opened up some old documents I made in November 2015, and I read through them. There's some neat ideas I put in them. Probably a little ambitious for someone who has yet to have his game maker cherry popped, but I'm going to try anyway.

When I finish school, my GCSEs don't matter to me any more. I've done my best I can at this moment in time in them: what I get in August is what I get. When I finish Secondary School, I get to put my full time into repairing my bridge with that person I talked about earlier (hopefully), and when they're not around because they'll still be in school for a month after me, I get to put my spare time into this:

1 comment:

  1. The question is... should you really get "them" back?